| the price of beauty? |
[06 Jan 2004|06:30pm] |
What is the price of beauty these days? And for what reasons do we go to such extents to attempt to maintain that "perfect image"? I just finished reading a story by Hawthorne entitled "The Birthmark." It's a story about a scientist who wanted nothing more than to have a beautiful wife. He found her, and they were married. However, his wife was born with a red birth mark, in the shape of a tiny hand on her cheek. All her life, she had not regarded to it as ugly, but as unique and something that she described as a "charm." He finds it hideous and goes on to make her believe that he will not, and cannot love her as long as that mark is on her face. From the man she loved, you can imagine how bad that must have hurt. And for the first time in her life, she began to hate the birth mark with passion, wishing it away so that her husband may love her once again.... Now, what I don't understand is how come he fell in love with her before, but now that they are married its like he's saying "well unless you get rid of that birthmark, i'm not gonna be in the picture." I dunno, that just pisses me off. Bastard. (I get emotionally involved when I read lol). Anyway. Story goes on. So since he's the big science man, he figures out a procedure that will remove this birth mark (keeping in mind this is the 18th century). She's scared, and fearful to part with it; but she wants to do whatever it takes to make her "beloved" husband happy. So this guy, he has a dream one night. He operates on her birthmark, attempting to remove it with a knife...but realizes that the mark is not just skin deep, but connects with her heart. And by removing it, he kills her. He wakes up, feels a tad guilty. But shakes it off and is like "ehh, I still want it gone." I mean, the son of a bitch, doesn't even care what SHE wants or what will make his "LOVE" happy, all he cares about is that he has a beautiful trophy to show off. So then the real day of the surgery approaches, and he promises her that she will be completly okay. He says it's all for the best. Now I got a little confused in his method of removing this, but she drinks some stuff that he gives her. I dunno, I guess its suppose to help remove the mark. (I need to reread this part I think lol) But yeah, so she wakes up from this deep sleep. And the first thing she says is "My Poor Aylmer!" then he goes on to say "Poor? Nay, richest, happiest, most favored!...My peerless bride, it is successful! You are perfect!" Then, as her last words "My poor Aylmer...you have aimed loftily; you have done nobly. Do not repent that with so high and pure a feeling, you have rejected the best the earth could offer. Aylmer, dearest Aylmer, I am dying!" And so she dies, the end. It really makes me mad. And here's back to how it relates to my topic "the price of beauty"
People, and I mean all people, just don't always seem to appreciate what nature has given them. Why can't we all just accept who we are and live with it? But no. We are pressured to all look a certain way. And so many people give into it. It cant be anything really from the makeup you wear, to the clothes you buy...and can even end up to cosmetic surgery. I know, I wear makeup. And sometimes, I question myself why. I mean, why do any of us do these things? To feel like we belong? To live up to the expectations of so many other people? Yes, there are cases when this stuff is necessary. For instance if you were in a car accident or a fire...But more people go in to get a facelift, or to get a boob job even when theres nothing physically or medically wrong with them. Its just a new part of fitting in, I suppose. A latest trend. This surgery is expensive, and has many dangerous risks. What is beauty anyway? It seems to me that the common equivalent to beauty is perfection. But what is perfection? Perfection is an impossible and unattainable ideal; therefore no matter how many times you go under the knife: someone will always find something wrong with you and try to pick you apart. What I reccomend: Don't listen to them. Inner beauty is the most powerful of all, and it shines from your heart to the rest of the world...if you let it. As a message to everyone, even to myself, Don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't good enough and you aren't beautiful. Everyone has a flaw, if you search for it. So rather than looking for flaws, look for the goodness inside people. You'll be surprised :)
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| obesity |
[24 Dec 2003|03:58pm] |
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So what's your take on obesity? A common perception on "fat people" is that they are lazy, slow etc. I hate this perception. No, I'm not fat; but I'm not exactly a tooth pick either. I mean, I believe it was back in the early 1900's, maybe the late 1800's even, having that extra layer of fat was a sign of social class and wealth. People that were on the...err heavier side, were said to be wealthy enough to feed themselves. It was the skinnier people that were ridiculed and labeled as poor and of low social class. Then suddenly, fear struck the nation. Obesity was bad for your health, and just like that fat was out, and thin was the new American image. But now, this image has been taken to a new extreme. The media is throwing images at the public, girls in paticular, that they have to be a size 0 to be beautiful and to be accepted. Where's the proof? About 50% of girls between the ages of 8 and 10 are unhappy with their size. I mean 8 and 10, isnt that young to be worrying about this stuff? In reports, children as young as five are concerned about their weight. Why? Because the message that is being sended out is "thin is beautiful." And now, if you aren't thin, you are labeled some awful things. People believe that these people just don't care about their weight and are too lazy to excercise. But that is not true. That's an ill-informed generalization. Because the MAJORITY of America, big or small, does not excercise regularly or have a balanced nutrition. How many of can honestly say we do cardiovascular excercises for 30-45 minutes a day, and NEVER eat junk food and live by the food pyramid? Sure, I'm sure there are people that do, but majority? NO. I consider myself a pretty healthy person, but I'm nowhere close to that. So unless you go jogging every day and have never had ice cream in your whole life, I don't think anyone has the right to create generalizations about "fat" and "obese" people.
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[16 Dec 2003|09:38pm] |
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Yeah, So I'm falling apart again. Big surprise. All the stress and this emotional baggage has escalated to a point that I can't even function normally anymore. I feel sick all the time. I helplessly just start shaking. I just want someone whose going to be my friend, but it seems like I've been running out of those. Do I blame anyone? No. I set myself up for this every time and everything that's happening to me is all my own fault. Gives the the phrase "I am my own worst enemy" a deeper meaning, doesn't it? Its that time of year, a time when everyone is stressed out and getting on one another's last nerve. I just feel like there's something wrong with me. These things I learn time and time again never seem to stick. But this time of the year has a specific memory attatched it for me; a memory I don't think I will ever be able to let go of. I wrote this in my notebook once: And its the hardest time of the year, to be reminded that you're not here. No one really understands why this time is so hard for me, and in all honesty, I don't either. If only it were so easy to forget...but its not. Its that time of year, when I don't want to be myself anymore. It's that time when I don't want to have anything to do with anyone. Shouldn't we all be better off alone? That way, not taking the risk of getting close to someone...and then they just leave you completly alone. And its the worst feeling in the world. I don't want to try to make people understand. I, myself, just want to push all these memories away for another year in a row. But I don't think I have any control in the matter any more. This guilt, this fear, has overcome me and I don't even know who I am anymore. I thought I use to be a strong person, and now here I am falling apart and not even trying to stop it. I just want to be a little kid again. With such innocent insight, not yet exposed to the truth: that not every story has a happy ending. And maybe the more I express this, the better I will come to recovering. But then maybe not. None of my friends understand, and maybe its easier to just make them hate me. That way my problem is solved. Because then I have no one to get close to enough to actually be hurt. No more fear and no more pain.
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| hate this |
[15 Sep 2003|09:41pm] |
my lj is gonna be the place where i get my personal stuff out. i dont really care who reads its, just as long as my parents dont. a post or two ago i was getting off a lot of heat about some stuff, and this post is gonna sort of tie into that and i just sort of need to get this out of my chest.
I'm so mad at my dad. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. I might end up saying a lot of things I don't mean, but sometimes I just feel like hating him. You'll probably think my reasons are childish, but I've come to accept that I am still a child...just experienced some things I wish I didn't have to. I've been getting into a lot of conflicts with my dad about me getting my lisence. And everytime I question him about it, he makes up some lame excuse to why I can't get it. I don't want to be cocky, but I think I'm a pretty good driver and I've been driving for about 6-7 months. I'm not an idiot behind the wheel anymore, its come very natural. Like if I got ONE mile over, he yells at me. Or if were going down a hill, the car speeds up a little bit. But its like "dad...its called gravity." Now he's on about something about not being able to park, but i dont know where he gets that cus its not like i've ever hit a car backing out or getting into a space. And for the most part I'm in between the lines. Sometimes if there aren't any cars around I might be a LITTLE over, but i fix it. Anyway...none of this is really part of why I'm angry. Today we got into a fight about it. I could go into the details of the fight, but I'm not. But I figured out why he won't let me get my lisence. Back when Mark died, my dad was pretty hurt too. I don't blame him. But now that I'm Mark's age, driving, he's afraid the same thing will happen to me. I mean, life is hard enough right now. Why does he have to keep this alive? I mean, I already am inside -thats hard enough. But why does he have to base decisions off of from what happened to Mark? I'm not Mark. I learned a lot from his death. And I'm gonna try my hardest not to make the same mistake that he did. But what makes me mad, is my dad acts like his death meant NOTHING to me. How could he think that, when it meant EVERYTHING to me? I can't really think rationally about this right now. Everything is just kind of coming out randomly. He was just talking to me and the whole time Marks name was never mentioned, but I knew he was thinking it. I know he just wants to protect me, but its not fair. You know, I can't talk about this right now. I still haven't gotten it sorted out yet. But thats whats been on my mind.
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| school shit |
[21 Aug 2003|12:28pm] |
Holy Fuck. School is starting in six days. It's not fair, I don't want summer to be over. I had registration yesterday and all I can say is that I'm gonna have a broken back by the end of the year. All my books are huge. I don't have one thin book, except my paperback vocabulay book. Here's my scedule:
Chemistry 11
Advanced Algebra/Trig
English 11 Honors
Music
Business
Spanish 3 Honors
American History
My books all together cost over $300!! And that's including ONE state loan book. And out of all of them, the smallest book (spanish) was the most expensive. How the hell did that happen? Oh well lol. I hate it, I have to start my day with Chemistry. I'm gonna fail. Last year I had to start my day speaking another language, so I thought I had it pretty bad. But in chemistry, its gonna be like they are speaking another language cus me and science just don't mix. (And I want to major in Marine Biology...go figure) I know people in almost all my classes except spanish and business (consumer ed). The Consumer Ed is a sophomore class and I was suppose to take it last year but I didn't have room in my scedule, so I get to be the retard junior and I'm not gonna know anyone lol. But I feel bad for my friend Ingrid. She has to take FRESHMEN HEALTH. I think she has it with my little sister too haha. That just ammuses me.
Anyway, I saw Freddy vs. Jason last night. I won't ruin the ending or anything but the movie was so damn cheesy. I think all scary movies are but still. The first five or ten minutes was probably the goriest of it all, but after that it was just too unrealistic. Like someone would get slashed acrossed the arm or something and blood would just spray out like a fountain or something. So fake. I mean, it was still pretty gorey, but not scary. And the parts that weren't gorey, were SOOO cheesy. Like I swear to god, it sounds like something me and jordan would come up with. And okay. Jason is like coming after these teenagers at a party, and the main characters all get into this van. And out of no where this pothead guy is in the movie. It was just like POOF! Like he had been there the whole time. It started out with a plotline, but by the time it got to the end it had completly dissapeared and there was absolutly no point to it at all. It was just like the title: Freddy vs. Jason trying to kick the fucking ass out of eachother. The end :)
K thats all for now. Later.
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| why |
[13 Aug 2003|08:22pm] |
(ok just before you read this, its gonna be extremely personal. its not gonna be your daily ramble that has to do with absolutly nothing. im writing it out cus i have no where else to vent it off. i dont expect anyone to read this, because this is just for me)
Life is so unfair. How can people expect me to believe in a God when so many terrible things happen? You never hear good news on tv anymore, its always bad. Is there such a thing as "good news"? I don't really know. December 30th, 1999 Mark died, and there hasn't been a day thats gone by when I haven't thought about him. I hate how he had to die. I hate how he isn't here. I hate the people in the car that lived. I hate everything about what happened that night. He was only 15, why did he have to die? I knew him my entire life, and I think what I hate the most is that I can't remember one single memory of him. The only one I can remember is the last time I saw him, and even that one has gotten fuzzy. And its not like we DIDNT have memories, cus we did. I mean, when my parents when to Hawaii for two whole weeks, I stayed at his goddamn house the whole time. But I can't remember a fucking thing. Why does it bother me so much that he is gone? I mean, if I can hardly remember anything, why can't I sleep at night? I rememember right after it happened I cried myself to sleep for months. I stopped careing about anything. I went from a straight A student to failing almost every class. I lost all my friends. I pushed everyone I cared about away. And now its become my instinct to push people away when they get too close. And I hate that. Mike says I can change back to who I use to be, but I don't know if I can ever be that person again. It seems too impossible. I guess the thing that brought back all this emotion was an article I found online about it. I found out that he saved lives from his organs that were donated. A man would have died and never seen his children again if it weren't for Marks heart. That's a beautiful thing. But I don't feel good about it. It's just so weird to know that theres a man walking around with Mark's heart. I just can't seem to grasp that reality. Maybe, if there is a God, that was his plan. His death, saved seven lives. But that doesn't make it any better to me. I just still can't understand why it had to be him. It's not fair. I hate it. And I feel like crying every time I think about him. My mom and dad wouldn't let me go to the wake or funeral. I think they thought I couldn't handle it. They were proabably right. But it makes me so mad to know, that he was burried in the damn cemetary right behind my house, and I don't even know where he is. I never got to say goodbye. The last three years, and I never got to say goodbye. People think I'm weird for going back there, but I'm always looking for him. If I could have just one thing, I'd want to know where he was burried. My parents even told me he wasnt burried far from our house, but who knows. Maybe they lied. Cus I have never found it. Life is unfair and I don't understand anything at all. Nothing makes sense.
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| grandma's house |
[10 Aug 2003|10:49am] |
Well I'm leaving today to go to my grandma's house and I'll be there till wednesday. The great thing about it is by the time I come home, I'll have enough hours to get my lisence finally! I just need four more, and it its a five hour roundtrip. Anyway, jaeded.net will be down for a little longer than I expected. Sorry to all my hostees. I'm gonna start taking care of it when I come home. Anyway go download some Fall Out Boy. That band rocks. Ok, well I'm gonna watch D3. Be back Wednesday!
(RIP) <--Don't bother with that link, I just need to save it somewhere.
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| mi familia |
[09 Aug 2003|12:23pm] |
Well, I found out some stuff about my family today. I was under the impression that all my aunts and uncles on my dads family had the same father. But apparently that's not the case. I don't really know how we got on the topic, but my grandma was married before my grandpa (that i never met anyway) and had one kid but he left to go off to war and never came back. I dunno, its not the biggest thing, but its just kind of hard for me to process. Although, it DOES explain why my cousin Chris is such a fucking moron, but that's another story.
Anyway, yesterday I hung out at Stephs all day with Tim, Rob, Adam and Keith. We walked over to McDonalds for lunch, and I swear that mcdonalds chocolate milkshakes taste like toffee NOT chocolate. I get them at the McDonalds by me and they taste fine. It was so gross, I went and complained and they gave me another one but it tasted the same way so screw it. We watched some Rush Hour, then messed around outside. Tim fell in some dog crap or mud, so he went to get another shirt and we hid his flip flops lol. Steph put one over in some bushes in the neighbors yard, and I put the other one on top of the van. Omg he spent like half an hour trying to find them lmao. But right when he found the one on top of the van, steph's brother got to it first and ran down the street with it and threatened to throw it into a garbage can. But then, some of these gangster looking people came walking down the street so he gave the flip flop to them! LMFAO. We got it back, but you should have seen is face. PRICELESS.
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| plain white ts! |
[06 Aug 2003|11:41pm] |
I'm so happy!! This friday plain white t's are playing at the metro!!!
Friday, August 8
PLAIN WHITE T'S
MAE
ARMOR FOR SLEEP
THE MATCHES
ONE LIFE
Tickets $10
All Ages
Doors: 4:30pm / Show: 5pm
I some how convinced to get Rob, Steph and Tim to go with me lol. We have everything figured out except rides. I've wanted to see PWT since 8th grade when they played for our 8th grade dance. They rock, if you haven't heard of them go illegally download their music right now damnit. The whole thing with the music industry trying to fine people is ridiculous if you ask me. I went on kazaa today and there were over 3 million other people on at the same time. How are the possibly going to track down 3 million people!? They can kiss my ass. I downloaded Mest-Jaded today, I love that song now. I wanna buy their cd now. Seriously, I don't think kazaa has made me spend less on cds... I think its made me buy more. Cus for real, you can look up bands that everyones talked about, find out they are good then buy their cd. Cus before if I didn't know the band, its not like I would go and buy the cd and take the chance on wasting 15 bucks or more on something I might not even like. I could rant about this forever. Kazaa is my hero. Enough said.
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| one month<3 |
[04 Aug 2003|10:47pm] |
Okay well, jaeded.net is down. I don't know how long its gonna be =( Damn Cyberpixels. But thats not gonna get me down tonight.
Tim and I celebrated our one month tonight. I'm normally not the kind of girl that'll actually celebrate anniversaries like that. Just cus... one month really isnt that long. If it is like a year, then I'll care lol, but I don't know Tim was too sweet to turn down. I got dressed up and did my hair real cute. I wore this kind of short denim skirt...and I like never wear skirts lol. And then I had this sexy black halter top from Nordstroms ;) My mom made me wear a sweater over it though lol she said it was too much skin. She was probably right lol. But yeah, dinner was great...he looked great too. What can I say, my man looked hot ;) Haha. I think he was impressed with me cus I never dress up. He kept staring at me and smiled, so I think thats a good thing hehe. Well after dinner we walked around the mall for awhile cus it was really nice outside. We went in some stores and stuff, it really wasn't that eventful of a night. But he was so sweet the entire time.
We got back to my house at my doorstep and he put his arms around my waist and looked me in the eyes. I thought he was gonna kiss me, but he was too afraid. I found it so amusing though lol, I teasted him-I'm horrible. Like I kept kind of bring my face closer to his and pulling away, then when I got tired of that cus he never kissed me. I'm just like okay goodbye hug time cus I can't stay out here all night lol. But he wouldn't let me. It was weird. SO i'm like "OKAY" and he said "okay" and it just kept going back and forth forever, he wouldn't leave lol. So I finally just hugged him and said goodbye. It's cute that he's so shy, but I don't wanna make the first move either lol. Josh says I'm evil for teasing him the way I did lol. WOOPS too bad. I get such a kick out of it though. K well I'll be blogging here for awhile! Since no domain *cries* bye!
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| vacation |
[27 Jul 2003|10:03am] |
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I'm leaving on vacation sometime today and I'll be coming back Wednesday. I'm kind of fretting it. I'm getting sick and that's gonna suck the fun out of it. My mom wanted to take me to the docter yesterday, but they were closed in the afternoon and they are closed on sundays. What kind of docter's office is that? It's like your not allowed to be sick on the weekend. Oh well. It kind of feels like strep, but I don't have a fever or anything yet so maybe it won't be too bad. Anyway. I gotta go pack some more. Bye!
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| Complications |
[23 Jul 2003|03:07pm] |
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Okay. So what do you do when your boyfriend and one of your best friends hate eachother? I know, "Friends First" or whatever, but Kyle (the friend) is driving me insane. It's like every time we hang out now he goes on and on about Tim (my boyfriend). He never did it until I started going out with him. I didn't even know he didn't like him. It's always "So how long have you been dating Tim? Is he a good boyfriend? I hate that kid. He is a rich kid. He is spoiled. He gets everything we wants..." YADDAYADDAYADDA. I mean, how am I suppose to even respond to that? Then today he said "We should start running together. We can have a running date." And for those of you that don't really know, me and Tim going running every single morning since the beginning of summer, and Kyle is perfectly aware of that. Secondly, Kyle has not one athletic bone in his body, so I don't even see why he wants to start going running. Tim thinks he likes me. I don't know if thats true, but he's acting all jealous and stuff. Its annoying me really bad. Tim, though he doesn't like Kyle what-so-ever, is actually being pretty cool about it. He doesn't know why I'm friends with him, but he doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with him. I told him a little bit about how Kyle's been acting weird, which may or may not have been a good move on my part, but still. I don't know what to do. I know I should talk to him about it, but its a difficult subject to touch on with him. Oh well. Thats all for now!
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| first entry :) |
[20 Jul 2003|09:10pm] |
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Hey everyone. This is my first live journal entry! Thanks so much Tanya for the code! I'm still kind of playing around with the layout of this and everything. Thanks Erin so much for helping me with it! I was so lost before lol. K well I'll be posting a lot more later. BYE!
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